January 9, 2023

Setting Boundaries and Expectations in Relationships with Roxy Melendez

In this podcast episode, Roxy shares her experiences with dating and relationships as a bisexual woman. She discusses the importance of setting boundaries and expectations with partners, and the challenges of finding someone who is confident in their own sexuality and open to intimacy. Roxy also talks about her preference for male partners in the long term, and how her Pisces sign influences her tendency to be a caretaker in relationships. She also shares her journey to understanding and embracing her bisexuality, as she grew up in a traditional family and initially only dated men. Overall, the conversation highlights the diverse and individual experiences of people in the LGBTQ+ community, and the importance of honesty and communication in any relationship.

[00:00:00] Roxy: I don't wanna get taken advantage of. I don't want to look like a fool or have my emotions so attached to something when they might not necessarily be ready. You know, we're all individuals at the end of the day. So transparency to me is key in boundaries

[00:00:20] Stephanie: on The Beyond Dating Podcast. Today we had our guest, Roxy, and she told us all about setting boundaries and expectations with your partner.

And our sponsor for today's episodes is Beyond the newest dating app in town. Check it out at Date Beyond dot.

[00:00:58] Roxy: I was chanting on your [00:01:00] balcony naked as fuck earlier Malcolm Wine until your like neighbor from like the two doors down came out. She was a woman. . What'd she say? She didn't say anything to me, but I was definitely butt ass naked.

Oh really? Yeah. It was on your balcony, on your, on your couch thing. Butt ass naked. Knock gonna lie. Thank you for making, yeah, sorry, . Yeah. I was just like, oh my goodness. The sun was so nice out there. I was like, let me just lay out here for a second. It was way too cold in your apartment.

[00:01:30] Stephanie: So Roxy, welcome to Miami.

So excited to have you here. Thank you. Today I wanted to, you know, just get a little bit of background on you and your dating life, how you interact with men and women in your life. So you wanna kick it off and give us some. Background knowledge on all about you?

[00:01:48] Roxy: Definitely. So I consider myself a bisexual.

I definitely like women. Um, I've had maybe two relationships with women before, and the [00:02:00] emotional aspect about women scare me a little bit. So I've never 100% committed to a woman, but the sexual part about women is what really attracts me and really turns me on. So I've been dating more men lately. Um, and I've been trying to find a man that is as open as I am in a sense where they're very confident in their sexuality, still a man, and still very much into me.

We have our own like personal language, love language, where we could still go out into the world and be sexy and be who we are individually and uniquely, but at the same time, still have. intimacy between us that nobody can interfere with. So it's the special thing that I'm looking for. Mm-hmm. .

[00:02:45] Stephanie: So do you see yourself ideally looking for like a male partner long term or female partner long term or both?

What does that

[00:02:54] Roxy: look like? I definitely want a male partner in the future. I want [00:03:00] to be able to actively. Maybe for different girlfriends, maybe for different situations, but I definitely want the long-term part to be with a male aspect. I feel more comfortable that way. I

[00:03:11] Stephanie: think that's really interesting how a lot of bisexual women will say they would like to end.

They like to end up with a male, or they like ha dating men because of the, I guess, traditional relationship styles. Ways that men are supposed to treat a woman. Right, because it's, it's nice to be pampered and treated like a princess. Exactly. And with women. . I know at least for me, I'll be more dominant with wo women every time.

Me too,

[00:03:39] Roxy: than with men. Every time I happen to be the same exact way. Even with my girlfriends, like my friends, I'm very much not the mother, but very much like the male masculine energy of the group. But I enjoy being that way. I'm definitely more of a caretaker. I'm Pisces, so I guess that comes naturally

[00:03:59] Stephanie: [00:04:00] So growing up, did you always know that you. Bisexual. Did you grow into it over time? How did that come

[00:04:09] Roxy: around? Yeah, I definitely did not know that I was a bisexual. I grew up in a very like traditional family, so I had my mom and my dad the whole time. My parents were still together. They've been married maybe 29 years, so I know what it's like to see that type of relationship growing.

So I always wanted that. I was actually engaged. Um, I was engaged for four years and I was with this, this gentleman for a long time. I knew him in high school. I was ready to commit, have a family, settle down, have a home with him. And our lifestyles, our reality just didn't line up. Um, so he was a little too vanilla for me,

And that's okay. You know. There was things that I still had in my life that I wanted to explore, and I think [00:05:00] that's what is very important to me. With the whole bisexual part of me, it's hard to describe, even though I'm not doing it for the male gaze, if that makes any sense. Because there's times where a woman being involved for me is.

Kicks it up that extra notch and just makes everything so pleasant. But not a lot of men are super comfortable with that sometimes. So that's where like my traditional background kind of, you know, evolves in a sense, and I, I'm able to open up, that's that part of me where I'm like, okay, I know what it's like to be a.

you're a woman and I'm super attracted to you. You're super sexy and you know how to make me feel good. And that's such a beautiful thing. It's such a beautiful thing and it makes me want more of that in my life. Oh, amazing. .

[00:05:57] Stephanie: Mm-hmm. . So tell me how [00:06:00] being engaged has changed the way you date or seek out

[00:06:04] Roxy: relationships.

Um, so being engaged. Obviously you belong to one person and, um, being super committed in that sense and that loyalty you have with that one person, it definitely transferred off to my, like when I, cuz I've been single now for three years almost. So single life, you definitely have to have more boundaries than obviously when you're in a committed relationship.

you're sharing a lot more things with them. So your boundaries are not as present with them. You've dropped a lot of your boundaries. So now that I'm single, I find myself having more and more boundaries because I don't wanna get taken advantage of. I don't want to look like a fool or have my emotions so attached to something when they might not necessarily be ready.

You know, we're all individuals [00:07:00] at the end of the day. . So transparency to me is key in boundaries now that I'm a single woman.

[00:07:05] Stephanie: Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , how do you share your boundaries with your partners? When does that come up in the relationship and how do you like to come across

[00:07:14] Roxy: that topic? It should be the first thing that you talk about, I think when you're entering a relationship with anybody.

Um, boundaries are super, super important. I think there's, um, different types of boundaries, physical, internal. Um, even material boundaries that you have to have with individuals when you first get to know them. So, when you first get to know somebody, obviously you're not sharing your money, your time, your, your assets with that person right away until you get to know them and even your physical boundaries, like you have to know how you feel.

Constantly ask yourself if this is okay. And obviously it's all gonna change with emotions and your day-to-day routine. All those [00:08:00] type of boundaries will change and that's okay. Change is completely normal and fine. But these are the questions you definitely have to ask yourself from the very beginning of the relationship.

Cuz if you don't start with those, those boundaries from the. People are just gonna walk all over you or get away with things that you normally wouldn't feel comfortable with. And then boom, that relationship's done

[00:08:23] Stephanie: was be, is being able to express your boundaries with something, something that came.

naturally, or was it a learned behavior

[00:08:32] Roxy: over time? Definitely learned behavior. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I let a lot of people almost walk over me. I feel like, um, and as a woman, we, we tend to do that a lot. We tend to be like, yes men, and we tend to, you know, want to be that type of woman that just nurtures and cares for, and that's super hard.

It's definitely trials and tri, uh, tribulations when it ca when it comes to boundaries. For me at least, it, [00:09:00] it was a learning experience cuz I was never that way. I was always very fun and I, I wanna, you know, get to know this person and right away I was like, okay. So what now? You know? And now it's like, okay, I'm confidently lost.

I'm okay with who I am as a person and these are my boundaries. This is how it's gonna be for now. If I see the relationship going further, obviously those boundaries are dropped a little bit more and you know, you can start sharing more experiences with that person. .

[00:09:31] Stephanie: I think that's really interesting that you bring up the point of how your boundaries can change.

Mm-hmm. , uh, do you have any, anything else to add? Like how has, how has your boundaries changed over the time, over the course of your life, your dating life, and where do you think you'll see them going in

[00:09:47] Roxy: the future? Yeah. Oh my gosh. I remember when I was engaged, I was such a jealous girl, . I was so jealous.

You know, that monogamy kind of does that to you as a woman. You sit there and. Do I not [00:10:00] look okay? Is she hotter than I am? Is my boyfriend looking at her like, you kind of internalize these things and you become this like jealous person that was not there before. So my boundaries definitely have made me change in a sense where I feel more confident about myself.

I feel more secure about myself now that I know what it is that I. , you know, cuz it, it changes. It's, it's a very drastic change. And now that I'm comfortable and secure about myself, those jealous feelings don't arise as much. And I think that's something that us women, we have to really work on. Because you walk into a room and there's many beautiful women, why is it that women on women.

Attack each other just because of the way they look. That has to do with insecurity, I feel like. So it's important for us women to work on this. Like I'm secure about who I am. I think you are gorgeous too. We're all so beautifully [00:11:00] individual and unique. Like these are the things that you wanna expose to the world, that beauty of uniqueness, you know?


[00:11:08] Stephanie: so do you have any tips for anyone looking to. get more comfortable expressing their boundaries with their partners or with friends or anyone in life.

[00:11:17] Roxy: Um, everything is very individual to who. You are as a person. I think asking questions to yourself is very, very important. So just simple questions like, am I okay with this person touching me the way they are?

Uh, do I feel comfortable inviting them to my home? Is what is the relationship gonna look like in the future because I allowed myself to do this or to do that. Those little questions that you ask yourself are gonna bring you to more of a self-awareness where you're able to feel comfortable. You know, even there's, there's, you know, a, a big thing where if you don't feel comfortable with your [00:12:00] partner, how are you gonna be comfortable fit, uh, sharing your dreams, your beliefs, all those things.

And that's super important for an actual, real relationship, a connection between two. Super important. So I, I encourage to always ask yourself questions and always be self-aware of what you think is okay. I love that , definitely.

[00:12:25] Stephanie: So when sharing with a partner, , do you have any current boundaries that you would like to share with people right now?

[00:12:33] Roxy: Definitely. So, um, I like to call it material, material boundaries. Mm-hmm. , um, you know, I, I've had those instances where I gave too much and then you kind of feel taken advantage of. Material boundaries are super important from the very beginning. You don't wanna over. And, um, in that sense, I've had problems before where I'm like, where, why do all my exes owe me money?

Like, that's not okay. [00:13:00] And I started understanding, okay, it's because from the beginning I allowed this and I allowed that. Material boundaries are super important in that sense because I'm a very sharing person. I'm the oldest child, so I always had to share with my two younger siblings always. So I'm so okay with it, but not everybody's gonna.

having that same heart as you. So it's super important to establish that from the very beginning. And as time goes by, it can change. You know, life is ever changing, so you definitely have to be able to be adaptable.

[00:13:32] Stephanie: Mm-hmm. , what are some tips for being adaptable in this modern, crazy dating world that we're living in today?

[00:13:40] Roxy: right. I feel like, you know, you have to take it day by day, step by. It's always important to have goals. You know what it is that you want for your future, but you can't be so dead set if something doesn't happen to go your way. Everything should be a lesson and a teacher to your [00:14:00] life and to what it is that you want overall.

but even what you want overall can change as well. So I think it's super important to always be open-minded, especially in this modern world that we live, live in. Not everything is right and not everything is wrong. You kind of have to find those like gray areas cuz it's not just black and white. And you have to, you know, see what you individually are okay with and what pleases you.

And there's so much beauty in the world that I feel like everybody should experience there. There shouldn't. Such a bubble that you're in all the time, but it's healthy to have that bubble. So again, it's all individual. It's important for people to feel and, and connect the way they they want and the way life kind of experiences will teach you.

[00:14:48] Stephanie: So on the topic of being open-minded, how do you like to define the word open-minded?

[00:14:56] Roxy: For me, open-minded is trying new things. It's, [00:15:00] it's getting outside of your comfortability. being comfortable can be a very dangerous thing. You know, you can be comfortable to the point where there's no elevation in your life, and putting yourself in uncomfortable situations is super important for you to elevate in your life, and that's what open-minded means to me is.

Is having those uncomfortable conversations is putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, not dangerous situations, but just uncomfortable situations that pushes you outside of your bubble to kind of react the way you are going to react, and then maybe even work on that reaction.

[00:15:43] Stephanie: Do you. an example or something that happened to you specifically that was a turning point for you, for that was an uncomfortable situation or an uncomfortable point that pushed you forward in

[00:15:57] Roxy: life, that elevated you?

Definitely, I have so [00:16:00] many uncomfortable situations I've been in. Um, but you know, we do, we all do that to, to ourselves, you know, um, I think, let me see. . I'm like, Ugh. I've been in so many uncomfortable situations. Let me think. Uh, so there's, there's been times where I've been around individuals that are so influential and have so, so much talent and so much, you know, people look up to these people and you can't help but just sit there and analyze and, and internalize these, these thoughts.

being uncomfortable kind of takes you away from being in your head as much and you're a little bit, I mean, for me, I try to be more self-aware in those situations, so I learn from these uncomfortable situations to not always be so about me and what I'm doing wrong, because you know that that critical [00:17:00] analyzing can even be unhealthy.

For, for myself, I'll, I'll put myself down a little too much. . I feel like it's important to just be yourself, constantly have a light, open heart with things, and not try to get yourself too worked up for what could have happened or what if, you know, we always sit there and think, what if? What if I would've done this?

What if I would've done that? I think it's important to just do what feels right. Later on in life, if, if it wasn't necessarily what you wanted to do now, now you have that experience to kind of go off of, and now for the next time, it could be something that's different and you can make it your own. And yeah, I, I wish that for my, my next relationship, someone that is okay to go through the trials and tribulations of life and not be super judgmental if something doesn't go necessarily our.

Mm-hmm. .

[00:17:56] Stephanie: So what does your next relationship look like? .

[00:17:59] Roxy: I know, [00:18:00] I mean, I try not to think about it too much cuz what do they say? Don't go out looking for love. Mm-hmm. , you have to let it come to you. So I'm super, super excited to meet new people and, and to interact and, and, and no their individual. Outlook on life and see if they align.

So if, if it aligns with who I am and my reality of life and we happen to be super like sec, the sexual chemistry is crazy and all that good stuff, I look forward to being with somebody. Something like that.

[00:18:38] Stephanie: Do your boundaries change in the bedroom versus in, out in.

[00:18:46] Roxy: Oh my gosh, yes. So when you're in public, it's, it's such a funny thing, but I'm super like one of those people that get turned on by like public, um, affection. So I'm, I, again, I grew up in a traditional background, so I [00:19:00] don't necessarily wanna eat like this super freak in the streets, more freak in the sheets.

So I I in the bedroom, for me, I'm like open to a certain extent. There be, they'll, they'll be things I. Absolutely not, I'm not doing this, but there's things as well that I'm like, okay, I never have done this, but I would be okay to try it. Um, so I'm not super closed off to that, but definitely like outside of the bedroom, there's a certain path that I definitely wanna follow because as women, you know, in sexuality, a lot of the times it's deemed as wrong.

And, you know, we shouldn't be too sexy cuz it makes us. like whores or, or it's just not right and people sit there and judge you or whatever the fact may be. I'm working on my professionalism outside of the bedroom and then that way I can focus on my inner goddess in the bedroom. So those are my [00:20:00] two different ends of the spectrum completely.

So I like my privacy .

[00:20:07] Stephanie: What is that like? Juggling, trying to portray. As a professional woman out in public, in the streets, , but then also wanting to be the sexual goddess in the sheets. Yeah. How do you balance

[00:20:21] Roxy: that? So I don't ever wanna portray something that I'm not, um, I feel like I am professional. I feel like I am a boss, babe.

I feel like I. This is who I am as a person and the sexual part. I feel like it's earned. I feel like it's not something that you just dive into right away, like, Ooh, this is me here I am. No, I think it's definitely something that's earned. Once I understand who you are as a person and your, your values and, and all that, then I feel comfortable to be more sexual with you to explore.

other aspect of me, but it's gonna take time. And I think that's such a beautiful thing [00:21:00] with women nec like par particularly. Cuz that mystery behind that is so sexy. It's so sexy. It makes you look at that woman like, wow, she, I wanna know, I wanna know .

[00:21:15] Stephanie: I definitely wanna know more. , I have a question. This is my why not question.

So cheers to this question. What is something that you would like to try that you're like, why not? You didn't think originally. Maybe in the past you'd be open to it, but you wanna try it in the

[00:21:34] Roxy: future. Okay, so I've been a unicorn before. Um, and if for, for those that you guys that don't know what being a unicorn is, it's being with, with a couple and, you know, sharing that experience with that.

I never thought I was gonna be necessarily okay with that. But the more I've like interacted with these couples, they have such a beautiful, like, it's almost like a ceremony, like a love ceremony [00:22:00] going and I'm just like, wow, this is really, really sexy. I wanna do something like this. So I'm definitely open to trying to, trying this new.

kind of vibe without obviously messing up my relationship. Cuz sometimes you can mess up a relationship with a man by being too open or too okay with things. That's why boundaries are important as well. And communication of course.

[00:22:23] Stephanie: How does the setting boundaries happen when you're experiencing with other couples as a single woman and what is the difference?

When you're experiencing, maybe you are and the couple and you're experiencing

[00:22:35] Roxy: it. Oh yeah. That's a whole different territory. Um, when you're with a couple, you definitely have to be mindful of their boundaries and what they like. Um, but honestly, my experience has been so wonderful being a unicorn. Oh my God.

It's like I'm getting all the love I ever wanted, just. , and I'm sure they talk about this amongst theirselves, [00:23:00] what's okay and what's not okay. And I think that's necessary. Mm-hmm. . So if I were to have that relationship with my man, obviously we would talk about, this is what I like, this is what I don't like.

I don't want you having the number. I don't want you to reach out to her afterwards. Or it's okay to do this. Maybe this will be like our actual girlfriend. You know what? that looks like is what you guys should communicate with and what you guys should definitely speak about and, and, and come to the conclusion or, or even a compromise with

[00:23:32] Stephanie: nice.

Mm-hmm. compromise. That's very interesting. I think that's kind of important because we're all compromising in a way. Like we can all still get what we want, but we all have to give and take. Yeah. In our relationships, whether it's sexually or physically or emotionally, there's always gonna be a. Some sort of compromise.

[00:23:51] Roxy: Definitely. And, and sometimes you, how are you gonna know that you don't like it unless you try it? Mm-hmm. ,

[00:23:57] Stephanie: I always say I'll try anything twice because the [00:24:00] first time I'm nervous. Right? I don't know if I like it. I have to get the full experience. Try the second time.

[00:24:04] Roxy: That's a good motto to have. Gotta try it twice and to see if you like it or not.

[00:24:10] Stephanie: what's your motto? Do you have anything?

[00:24:12] Roxy: Uh, I don't, I just feel like. being open and uncomfortable, even though it sounds weird. That is definitely what I'm trying to, trying to do. Mm-hmm. , right? I say this all the time. Gary Danko says this all the time. I'm sorry, not Gary Danko. Gary Vanerchuk. He says this all the time where it's like you innovate or you die.

Whether it's a company or whether it's your own personal life. I think innovation is so, so. I. . I'm a tech like person. I'm do engineering. I like cars, all that. So that's a part of me that I'm like, okay, I have this like logical kind of mind, so I wanna be open. I don't wanna be so critical at thinking and overanalyzing everything and you know, having a whole list to check off.

I don't like that feeling. I wanna just, [00:25:00] as my life is going, I wanna be able. move throughout life and its experiences. Mm-hmm. .

[00:25:08] Stephanie: Wow. . So tell me more about how you got into cars and being a tech girl. Because that, I feel like I don't meet a lot of girls, at least here in Miami . Right. Who are car

[00:25:19] Roxy: girls? Yeah.

So I, I went to school for high performance automotive and alternative fuels. I got into the whole car aspect because of my, my dad and my grandpa. They're super car people. And, uh, I did engine building competitions and that's how I ended up going to, uh, college. And that's also another reason why professionalism is super important in my life because I feel like I stand for something.

You know, women, were not super into the industry. Um, were definitely a small percentage of, of the ma, majority of of men that are in this industry. So I feel like I definitely have something to stand for and I want to be able to. still open [00:26:00] and sexual the way I am, but at the same time, still send out a message that, hey, it's okay to be open and sexual.

That doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Mm-hmm. . So, yeah.

[00:26:11] Stephanie: When you're working in this sort of male dominated space, like how did you set your boundaries with your coworkers? What was that process like? Oh,

[00:26:20] Roxy: yeah. It was a long process, but mostly it's kind of easy. , the talent kind of speaks for itself.

I feel like you, you, if I could do all the same things, you can. We can sit here and we can have an actual intellectual conversation about, you know, how you feel this is right and how you feel this is wrong when it comes to like working on engines or anything of that nature. Once they see that aspect of me.

it's actually more or less them praising me for it cuz I'm a woman, so I'm like, yeah, we can do this. I've had a lot of times where I've even beat men at, you know, building engines or anything of that nature and, you know, it's either they're mad or they [00:27:00] give me, you know, the props that I deserve. So it's like, it's, it's a taboo thing, but it's definitely something we can, we can move past and, and.

I look forward to always being that push, you know? So yeah. Here I am now being a little bit more sexual and open to who I am as a person, but still not forgetting my backgrounds and my passions in life.

[00:27:24] Stephanie: Awesome. Thank you so much for sharing. This has been an amazing, insightful conversation for me, and I hope for everyone else too.

[00:27:32] Roxy: Thank you so much.

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