February 27, 2023

Tea and Toes with James Shipp

Stephanie and James on the Beyond Dating Podcast discussed modern dating and relationships. James believes that in today's world, everyone is dating, and it's almost fringe to be in a committed relationship. He feels that people are constantly half-in, half-out because of the limitless options available. James recommends that people turn inward to really know themselves and what they do or don't like. He believes that being open and comfortable enough to express one's feelings is essential. James also discussed open relationships and believes that the main things to consider are boundaries, time, and happiness. In terms of sharing one's boundaries, James believes that there is no right or wrong way, but it's important to address them when they arise and not let them build up. Stephanie added that she usually addresses boundary issues immediately and recommends being communicative about it. In conclusion, James believes that a relationship without conflict is like a movie without an antagonist, and it's essential to have boundaries and expectations in place.

Learn more about Beyond
Apply for a Membership
Follow us on TikTok
Follow us on Instagram
Subscribe on YouTube
Like us on Facebook

Listen on Spotify
Listen on Apple Podcasts
Listen on Google Podcasts

[00:00:00] James: Like, wow, this is some amazingly average sex, right? And it's like every now and then you just want 'em to like stick finger in your ass and you're like, whoa, I liked it, but just one. Right? And, and, and so now you got your boundary and you got to speak about it and. Boom. It was communicating and he was like, yeah, it was fun.

Yeah. You know, like I said, I

[00:00:24] Stephanie: mean, it is only fair if I could do it to you too, so. Oh

[00:00:26] James: shit. , check please.

[00:00:30] Stephanie: on this episode, James had some interesting and hilarious perspectives on dating in la.

And our sponsor for today's episodes is Beyond the newest dating app in town. Check it out at Date Beyond dot. So what is dating like in LA for you?

[00:01:11] James: That's a big question. Yeah. Um, so when I moved to LA I have a little bit different story. When I moved to LA I was actually married. Mm-hmm. . So I came out here at 20 married, ready to just like prove everybody wrong. Right. And then, um, uh, got divorced like a year later and the. Dating scene after that. I, I've been in LA now 15 years, so I've seen like kind of the full transition from just like go to the club and turn up and, you know, like meet people or be at the gym to, uh, like dating apps and social media and all that stuff kind of coming into play.

Um, So I think it's the same as it is for business. I think if you're in LA and you're, let's say not from here, or you're in some industry that is real transient, like entertainment, um, you're gonna end up. in a business slash relationship, like, and if your relationship doesn't coincide with your business, then it's probably not gonna be the healthiest.

That's just kind of how I've seen it. Um, specifically like, like if you're, uh, partnered, doesn't understand your business and you have all these time constraints and, and all these issues with showing up to stuff, or you gotta cancel for this or that. I moved to LA for this thing in my life. For me to just throw that away to like go to your friend's birthday party, like, it's kind of tough in that, you know, that puts a strain on relationships.

So I don't know. How's has it been for you? I don't ,

[00:02:51] Stephanie: I really haven't done much dating in la Uh, but I definitely know in Miami it's crazy. Oh yeah. Um, . I know from when I went to college there, and then now when I was in college, like all the dating apps were just coming out like Tinder and Bumble, and so it was like completely different than how it is now.

I feel like when I first started using Tinder, like people were actually trying to take me out on dates. Now it's like a hookup app, which is like, it's cool, but that's not what I'm looking for. Even if I am looking to have like a sexual connection with somebody, I still want you to like, take me on a date and like ask me on a proper date.

Yeah. Like, when do you wanna go to dinner at this place?

[00:03:30] James: Right. There's, there's this, like, I'm a little cynical sometimes when it comes to relationships. I've like, sometimes, like when I talk to people about it, it's like I've been all the types of relationships on the spectrum that you could be like from fiance to, to, uh, You know, uh, what is it?

Fuck Buddy to, you know, and everything in between Right. To, uh, friend zone up in all of them. And, uh, I think the, the thing about it when it is like there's like a theater that has to be played, there's this performative aspect to relationships that's necessary for like, Showing the other person what your intention is.

So like a peacock freaking putting its feathers up. You gotta be like, oh, let me get that door for you. And you know, and everyone's like, oh, it's this fake version of you. But it's really just like you have to do that. Mm-hmm. in order to like, , break down some of those barriers and be like, okay, do, do we actually fuck with each other?

Like, ? Can we, can we sit in the room with one another for longer than a second? Like, beautiful, but, uh, hate your voice, you know, like whatever it is, you know, ,

[00:04:32] Stephanie: is that like a, a thing? What kind of voices are Oh my God.

[00:04:37] James: Yeah. I think personally I, again, I don't wanna speak, I don't ever wanna speak for like, all men on the planet or anything like that, but, uh, there's.

I think scents are something that everybody like, some smells good or doesn't smell good, then you're gonna be like, mm-hmm. . But my ears are pretty, like, if someone's voice hits like a certain pit, like, oh my God. Ooh. Like that, I can't, Ooh, like the white chick's tone. Ooh, that's it for me. I'll be like, oh my gosh.

Yeah. It's like,

[00:05:10] Stephanie: James, let's go

[00:05:11] James: here. . Yeah. And I, and I, I mean, I, I have been. , I'm, I'm afraid to get on dating apps, honestly. Mm-hmm. , because I think when you get on, I haven't, I haven't been on any of them. I tried to build one as like a developer, but I never, um, like ventured into that realm fully. Uh, because it just feels so like, all right, here's my resume, you know, or whatever.

And like, here's my five best pictures. Like, pick me, pick me in this pool. Like, it just feels very, like I have to do that work where I'd rather let the universe just. Let our stars, let's bump into each other or something. Like let's have mutual friends. Cuz otherwise it's just like, now I gotta be that person or whatever on paper.

Like, I don't know, maybe my interests changed, maybe I don't like, nah, I don't like football anymore. Now it's like, I liked you cuz you said on your profile you liked football, so delete, delete, delete.

[00:06:06] Stephanie: If you could create your own dating app, like what features would it. ,

[00:06:10] James: oh, I, I did this. Mm-hmm. , I did this, this is actually a great question.

No snaps. Um, I did this actually we, uh, we, in 2018 and 19, I was building an app that, uh, was specifically based around everyone creating their own algorithm. Cuz all these apps they work off of like just a bunch of data and they're like, this is the best person for you based on relationships at work.

Right. And I think. Like today, like 50% of people have tried dating apps. Um, most marriages, like they've either met on a social media platform or on a dating app nowadays. So it's like, all right, there's some things that are important to me that aren't important to everyone else. Like, uh, you may have some non-negotiables, like, you cannot be shorter than me.

If, if that's your thing. Some other women might be like, I don't care if you're a foot shorter than. , don't be older than me. You know, and then, and someone else could be like, you could be shorter, you could be, uh, uh, older, but you gotta make more. Or you have to, uh, be funny or to have to like you, you know, or you have to be good looking.

Whatever size and money you got, you gotta be good looking, whatever it is. So we, so the apple we were building was like all based on waiting those algorithms. , you as an individual could just pick whatever, like on a scale of one to 10, how important is this thing compared to that thing, you know, and kind of in here now these are the people that most closely fit that mm-hmm.

um, that I don't think really exists, but I know that like Bumbles and the, uh, what's the one where you gotta get like, invited? It's like, uh, uh, Raya, like my sister, uh, is on Raya and. and she's, she likes it. I guess like, you know, it's cool cuz I guess you can kind of be more selective or think you are being, but it's still weird.

I feel like it's still weird to just like meet a person on the phone. I, I don't know. I feel we get catfished. I think that's the other thing. I don't trust anybody. I'm gonna be like, that's not you. No, nobody, this, this pretty likes me Like that. Cut it out. Stop with all the likes we get all like shy and shit.

Like, nah, I'm.

[00:08:22] Stephanie: Honestly, like people think I'm a catfish on apps. I always like to FaceTime people. I'm like, oh, okay, you seem interesting. Let's FaceTime boom or boom, call the phone and then I verify your real, because I've definitely been hat fished before. What's hat? What is hat fish? You know when a guy wears a hat and you can't tell like what they look like underneath, like.

And then, yeah, you got a full hair thing or like, I'm handsome with the hat. And then you take the hat off and I'm like, Ooh,

[00:08:49] James: hairline back here. Like,

[00:08:51] Stephanie: put it back on. You were cuter with the hat on. It's like weird hat fished.

[00:08:55] James: I've never heard that. Yeah. Hat fished all

[00:08:57] Stephanie: like it though. Hat fished. Yeah. Hat fished.

Hat fishing. Don't go out here. Hat Fishing girls. It's, it's not a good luck

[00:09:06] James: hat fishing. No, I, that's like a, That's in my top 10 fears, I think is being like, really like hardcore catfished. I've watched that documentary about um, the football player, right? Mm-hmm. , who was like dating some imaginary person and she died and it was like a whole thing, but she didn't really die cuz you came back alive and I'm like, Oh, that's so embarrassing.

[00:09:31] Stephanie: Oh, God. It happens to people all the time. Yeah. Like that's something that a lot of my guy friends say, like, there are bots and fake girls out there. Yeah. So, oh,

[00:09:41] James: I, I think I just, because I instantly don't trust it, I get a lot of like, um, what are the dms you get where you gotta, like, you don't know the people kind of thing.

And I, I'll just like tap it in. Right. You are so hot. DM me back and I'm like, mm, I'm good. Yeah. Don't trust it. It's like that's not your picture. You got two followers, you're following 3000 people or something to that. Right. Like there are definitely, like my analytic brain kind of goes to like, what are the factors that I can just like write down?

And then this like, I mean this is pretty time like ai, some AI program can say these are all gonna be fake if they fit these criteria. Mm-hmm. . And so it's like, Hot to follow to not follow ratio. Boo boo boo. Red flag FaceTime me now. Yeah. Nah, nah, no. Send me a picture of you right now saying James, with a spoon on your head on one foot.

Do it now, or you're fake and then delete. Yeah. It's like, yeah, you gotta do it. Mm-hmm. .

[00:10:40] Stephanie: So have you found that in LA you're able to find like real girls when you're out and like, you know, what's, what's the dating pool like?

[00:10:51] James: I think one of the beautiful things about I I, Hmm. Good question. That's tough. . Uh, I think one of the good things about LA is that.

You do have a mix of people who kind of part-time live here, people who are from out of LA that move here. So there's like always a fresh batch of people here. Right? And then also, um, you have people on vacation, right? You have people who are kind of testing the waters or seeing the place for the first time.

So in the dating pool and space, you can, um, you can meet, if you're in the world, you can meet like a lot of different people. Um, , I own this club. So I see, I've now, I've never worked in nightlife or anything, but I've became a partner in this nightclub and I see the, like, behind the scenes and I'm just like the sober one in the corner, like worried about business, but just seeing the club jungle interactions.

And I feel like you like look at the illustrious, uh, , you know, like, like look at her over there. She's stocking her prey. Right? And I'm like watching it, it happen and I'm just. Oh, I hate this. Like, ugh. So that part of la I don't know, the, I don't know how, how else are you supposed to meet somebody? Like, I've been to churches that are more popping than clubs and I know that everybody in there fucking, so like, what?

Like, like, uh, there's not really anywhere you can go where you're just like, hi, uh, what's up? Are you a person? I'm a person. What's good? And then go from there. So it's gonna always be. It's a bunch of sexy people slammed into one city. Like Oh

[00:12:26] Stephanie: yeah. Like it's sexy people. It's like, you know, when you're in the college dorms, but it's, you're all adults now, right?


[00:12:33] James: except you all dorm, you can afford, you can

[00:12:35] Stephanie: like do no class tomorrow, no class, no bedtime. You just gotta show up to work. If you gotta show up to work .

[00:12:40] James: Right? And, and most people are like, man, fuck that work shit. , you know? And, and then also like, shit, COVID even made it, COVID changed dating, I think.

Mm-hmm. exponentially like so. Friends of mine, um, uh, so many friends of mine, they were like on video dates and that's like a whole thing now. Everybody's video dating. Video dating. I'm just like, cool. You know, I guess like, you know, I, I surprisingly, I don't know surprisingly, surprisingly cuz of the conversations I've had, but like, I don't.

I don't like to like be on a thousand dates out there, just like running through a bunch of like, I'm single, but I'm not like running through a bunch of dates and constantly going out like that. . I don't know. I think I'm just hyper critical. And so then I end up, and then I, I'm also getting older. I'm like, my knees hurt when I stand, you know, I can't drink like I used to.

I'm just not trying to like, just be out just for the sake of being out. So, um, I don't know. It's interesting to meet people out here. Yeah.

[00:13:40] Stephanie: So what are like some key differences that you noticed before Covid versus after Covid with people dating? Mm

[00:13:47] James: mm So definitely the. , I'd say like the polarization of people's beliefs.

They're, now, you kind of wear it like a, like a, like a badge or something. Right? Like, uh, if someone's an anti-vaxxer, let's just say they're like, Trump supporting hard, right? Anti-vaxxer. And it was November of 2020 and they, uh, you know, you liked each other's photos enough and you said, let's. And you showed up, you had your mask on cuz you're, you know, trying to be responsible and a vaccination question comes up.

Like they're gonna be like, oh, it's, you know, bill Gates is trying to kill you. You know, like, you're gonna get, um, like politics and all these things have kind of, and, and really people's beliefs on things that you might not find out until a year into it when you start talking about kids and should we vaccinate our kids?

And they're like, I've never had a vaccination one day in my life. And you're like, oh. You're crazy. Like, you know, and so now it's like people are, are very forward about that. Um, I'd say also like, like, you know, how do, how do you meet somebody when you can't go anywhere? You know? So if you're a single person and you're just like, Sitting at home with your five people that you're allowed to be around or whatever, just like, let's figure it out.

Yeah. Yeah. It's hard out there. Yeah. What did you do through Covid when it came to place? Are you, I mean, you're single. Are you single?

That's a good answer. Good answer. Zah, do we have Zah on the board? ,

[00:15:26] Stephanie: this is just some situation, you know, I'm dating, I like to say I'm dating. That's good. And like, you know, nothing like serious. Cause I'm not like, looking for a commitment. Like I'm not looking to have like children right now or anything, so I'm not in a rush.

I'm just trying to find, you know, somebody that I like that likes me too, that I get along with, you know, maybe it's more than somebody, maybe it's when somebody, it's a girl or guy. I'm just open to things, you know, navigating the world. Yeah. It's a good place to be. Yeah, it's a nice place. How young are you?

I'm 26.

[00:15:54] James: 26, okay. That's a wonderful age. Yeah, it's nice.

[00:15:56] Stephanie: I like that. Yeah, it's a great,

[00:15:58] James: okay, that's fun. Yes, it's about, it is about around them. Like my sister, she's. Pansexual. Mm-hmm. . Right. Which was a term I didn't know until she told me about it. But that's kind of like what it sounds like where it's just like love is love figuring it out.

I'm happy if long as a person around me is making me happy. Mm-hmm. Nah, that's, that's a beautiful thing. Yeah.

[00:16:16] Stephanie: That's like my take on like modern relationships and modern dating. What's your take on modern dating?

[00:16:24] James: Hmm. My take on modern dating. Okay, here we go. . Um, I'd. , uh, everybody is dating nowadays, right?

So unless you have, like, it is almost fringe to be in a, uh, committed relationship, right? Like when. , like when I got married, I was 18 when I got married. It was like my high school sweetheart, right? And we were like, boom. And I was like, had to wear play in the ncaa, had to play with like, get a ring, like to play with my ring on.

I had to get like a note to play with my ring on. Like it was, it was serious for me and I was very like committed to that relationship. Um, nowadays. , uh, I just believe that there's just, uh, everybody's dating. Whether you're, you have, you could have a boyfriend, you, you're gonna be dating still, like, uh, especially in la like everybody is kind of like one foot in.

on in kind of, cuz options are literally limitless. Right? And, um, I mean, I've been to 40 something different countries, like the world is small and social media, 5G makes it tiny. Like what you can get here to there like that. So, um, so the, because of the options and because of all those things, everybody's kind of constant.

Half in, half out. So the only way to navigate through that, cuz you, you can't change it for the other people, right? You can only change it for yourself, is to just really know yourself and what you do like and you don't like. And, and so if people turn themselves, modern dating people turn themselves kind of inward and say like, experience, not experience, but just like put yourself in the shoes of someone else.

Do I like the idea of my partner being with somebody else? If my girl is, uh, messing with another girl? I gotta play that out in my. , is it cheating personally? I'm like, no, not really. Right? But she sucked a dick. Is it cheating? I'm like, yeah, it's cheating. Like, and, and it sounds hypocritical in some some ways, but for each person, they have their own little algorithm and figure out your algorithm and then go apply it to the world and, and you know, it's, you figure it out.

[00:18:39] Stephanie: So what's your algorithm then for dating?

[00:18:46] James: I was trying to sum it up into like one sentence, but the sentence does like, it was like, do as I say, not as I do, but not, but that is not how I feel. It just sounded funny. Um, no, I would say, uh, like, do you, I'm gonna do me, and then if we do, we then that's, then that'll be Oh, I like

[00:19:06] Stephanie: that. Right. Do you I do.

Me, we do we, yeah,

[00:19:09] James: because like, it, I feel like. , oh gosh, I can't remember Shorty's name, but she's literally the head of neuroscience at Cedar Sinai. Incredible woman. And, and shout out, I can't remember your name. Um, but she's been with her partner for like 20 something years, right? And she says, my partner, my partner, her and this dude, they have like own houses and all these things.

She's just like the, the human brain. She's a super intelligent woman. The human. It's just not meant it's, she knows what emotions are. She can see, she can make you feel an emotion by pushing a part of your brain, you know? So she understands love at a different, different level. And to her it's more important that her partner at any point in time could just be like, eject and be out.

There's no ring holding them down. There's no obligation. There's no like, Hey, you didn't do this thing for me, and. , she can do all for herself. He can do all for himself. They were two holes that came together to make two, which is more than one, right? So when people are like, oh, he's my other half, like, cool, you guys are one.

Mm-hmm. . And they get to be two. Like, I'd rather be two. Yeah. So I'd rather just be like whole in myself. I like these things, uh, and be comfortable enough to like express that like, oh. Damn. Look at that ass. I don't have to be like, turned to Stevie Wonder every time a big booty walks by. You know, in order for , in order for you to just be like, he likes my booty.

He likes my booty. Like, no, like you like that booty too. You don't have to like it. I like it. Cool. Let's keep walking. Right? And, and like, if you can be that, like, that's like such a small thing, right? Mm-hmm. , like if you could just be that open and your partner can just be like, nah. Shrug it off and not give you a hard.

Then you can kind of like build from there. That's, now I say that as a single man, right? So I was like, so, so do, as I say, not as I do is actually for you at home, because it hasn't really worked out. But, you know.

[00:21:06] Stephanie: So have you like explored open relationships or like polyamory at all? Or

[00:21:11] James: Y yes. Yeah. Well, yeah.

I mean, like, uh, again, like I think in the, there's, I'm big on. And it's not what you know, it's what you can prove in court, right? So like if, if you never said we're exclusive and we're dating, then we're not exclusive. So if you hooked up with somebody, all, somebody is, everybody, I'm like, damn, damn. Like, if that's what you wanted to do, but it, but it's what you wanted to do.

And so I support that and I'm not gonna judge you for it or anything like that. Now from this point on, like, let's draw a date, let's make a line, let's be exclusive from that. Then you have an issue with it. Like those, those types of boundaries because I, okay, so open relationships, they come down to really like three main things in my mind.

Boundaries, right? Because it's what you're comfortable with, which really is like, respect, right? Um, time. Like how much time you have. , you can't get that back. And it's your life force. It's your energy. So what are you spending your time on? If I'm spending my time on all these holes and I'm like, we're in an open relationship, you're my girl, but I spend two times as much time with all these holes, then you're gonna be like, imbalance.

Right? And then like, like happiness, right? Like are like, are you actually. happy and communicating through this whole process so that the boundaries and the time, and if there's an issue, you can address it. Like as long as you can get through that part, then yeah, like any situation could potentially work out.

Mm-hmm. ,

[00:22:45] Stephanie: right? Yeah. Which would, what's a way to like, respectfully share your boundaries with your partners?

[00:22:53] James: Write 'em on whiteboard. No, I, I don't know. Uh uh, respectfully, share your boundaries. That's such a good question. , like just well phrased. Um, what's a good way to respectfully share your boundaries?

Mm-hmm. , honestly, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to share your boundaries because of yours. Mm-hmm. , right? It's just like your beliefs or your, you know, dreams or your hopes for yourself or whatever. It's your thing. So if you have a boundary, um, I think there's a right and wrong time to bring it.

The wrong time. The only wrong time is to wait until it's built up over time. Right? So if like you've created a habit with your partner where they can go out late, And just stay out till whenever. Come back the next day. And they did it once. You were uncomfortable about it twice, three times for a year for a relationship.

And then, but that was the boundary that kept you unhappy in the relationship and you never spoke up about it. Or you spoke up about it after it had already become a habit or something cool or something that could have just been addressed, right. Communicated through, whatever. Then that's the wrong time to bring it up.

But, uh, but I think. I don't know. I, I have this weird thing where like, if something is on my mind, I'm, I'm going to bring it up. Like I can't dance around it. I can't sleep on it. It will run through my head by a thousand times and I'll be like, cool. I got my answer. In my head, I've thought about 30 different scenarios, which it could be, I've already created the worst case scenario and I can live with that.

So we're still here, so like, let's just address it now so that we can. Go to the table and go back to being happy. Mm-hmm. , I don't know. I feel like that's a cool way of doing it, . I think that's a cool way to do it. Right? You ain't gotta think about it too long. Yeah. You gotta be direct. Look, do, do you like, how, how about you?

Like, how are you with that? With, I mean, expressing your boundaries?

[00:24:50] Stephanie: If somebody breaks a boundary with me, I'm usually like pretty quick to be like, I didn't like that. Like maybe if we're in public and you break the boundary, I'm not gonna be like, oh my gosh, this happened right now. I'll be like, wait till we go home.

Or get in the car and be like, this was not cool. I did not appreciate it. And like if. If you're not okay with me being uncomfortable or we can't work it out, or you, you don't wanna be communicative with me about it, then like, I can't continue with you. But if you're like, okay, I'm gonna respect your boundary and like this, these are ways that we can fix it in the future.

Mm-hmm. , then like, yeah, move on. Because like, everybody's gonna break a boundary or push somebody because like, you're always, you know, I know a lot of people say like, put yourself in uncomfortable situations and that's how you grow. Yeah. And. Like, I can't expand or change unless something is like a trigger.


[00:25:43] James: yeah. Well, and to kind of, um, foreshadow back or flashback to what you were, flashback to what you were saying before, uh, the question before about modern relationships, um, a relationship without any kind of like, is like a movie without conflict. Everyone's life, at least in, again, in LA people's lives are movies to themselves.

And if there's no conflict, if there's no antagonist, Some people cannot have, they can't survive, right? If there's no conflict in their relationship, then they just aren't attracted to the person. If there's no like, yeah, so, so we want to have our boundaries be kind of set and our expectations not too rigid, and then hope that somebody kind of bumps up against it so they can either push that boundary.

you know, meet it. Exactly. And you're like, wow, we really align on these items and these are the things where we kind of are, are misaligned or whatever. Um, because, you know, and I liken, I mean all the, those are likened to sex, right? Like in sex, if, if a guy did everything that was like statistically the correct way of doing it, you'd be like, wow, this is some amazingly average sex.

Mm-hmm. , right? And it's like, every now and then, you just want 'em to like stick a finger in your ass and you're like, whoa. I liked it, but just one. Right? And, and so now you got your boundary and you got to speak about it and boom, it was communicating and he was like, yeah, that was fun. Yeah. You know, I did

[00:27:11] Stephanie: what they said in the song.

I mean, it's only fair if I could do it to you too, so. Oh shit.

[00:27:19] James: check please. . Oh man. See, I said do as I say now as I do, right? So, um, yeah. See, so when it comes to, , man, everybody's a snowflake. Like not snowflake in that they like, like one people like, oh, you're a snowflake. Everyone is different. Mm-hmm. . Right? Everyone's got their own.

[00:27:42] Stephanie: What's your,

[00:27:44] James: Ooh,

I'm trying to think of some creative way to say this because this is such a good que It's a good question, but it's still like very, like there's so many different ways. So, I mean, the shorter list is things that I don't like. , I'll tell you that. Um, uh, like, yeah, don't like feet. Not like a feet. I mean, not that I don't like feet, but I'm just like, I'm not gonna suck on your toes.

Like, I'm big on things that make sense, right? Like pleasurable acts when having sex. So sucking, sucking toes.

[00:28:21] Stephanie: And some people really like. You

[00:28:23] James: can like it. I, I, I understand liking it, but just like from a physiological standpoint, just like the number of nerve endings in your toes and other parts of your body just don't match up.

So let's, let's start

[00:28:35] Stephanie: there. There's some super points in there. Let's you know. Yeah,

[00:28:37] James: for sure. No, we know we can get to some reflexology. I will stick a needle in your heel, but, uh, I don't know if I wanna like, Lick between your toes. just did your back hurt? And I'm like, nah, . But, um, but I think, but yeah. So when it comes to sex, I think it, it's important for all of these reasons, right?

Connection and blase, bluesy, blah, creating life, whatever. And, but I think also it's just fucking fun, right? Like it's a pleasurable act. And so it's intended to be that way, so it should be treated that way. I think when people have sex, they should. what they like and express what they like. And, and then try, I mean, I, I drive pleasure.

I've, I drive pleasure from other people having a good time too. Like I'm host at parties and like trying to help all the time. So I'm, I drive pleasure from, from seeing a woman having like, being pleased. So, uh, you should probably try to do that, whatever that is. Um, and Yeah. And that, that ranges a whole scale of acts, I guess.

Mm-hmm. . You're like, .

[00:29:48] Stephanie: I'm like, like what? ? I know. Like you can tell I what I'm looking for, but uh, you know, we don't have to get into that right now. Yeah.

[00:29:58] James: Okay. So, uh, yeah, don't, you don't, don't put your finger in my ass, please. . Please. Don't worry. Don't worry. I won't. Just cause like, it'll just be shocking and I just.

I don't have time for that. Okay.

[00:30:10] Stephanie: Um, and that's like before I lick your toes versus the finger in the butt. Yeah.

[00:30:15] James: Like, oh man, if you were just like, tonight we're doing everything you don't like, I'd be like, oh shit. I'd be like toe licking, pushing, boing fingering in the ass. Yeah. Now, um, Yeah. But, but see, that's the thing.

It's like sex is a kinzie scale rainbow of things, right? It's a, it's all gray, right? So, so like, don't stick your finger in the hair. Oh my God. But like, if your tongue just made its way down there from a ball down there, I might be like, hello? Okay. Uh, I understand it. See? Yeah. So you get, you get how it is.

It's just, and, and I mean, it's the same for all of the people who I've ever met, but. Just had conversations like this, like open conversations about like, what do you really like? And it's really like just a whole myriad of things. Mm-hmm. . And then of course there should be a always a couple things that you keep to yourself that are, you're like locked in a box somewhere, and then every now and then you find a person that you're that comfortable with, that you're just like, boundaries.

Push a little. Mm-hmm. and go, go do that. Go push those boundaries.

[00:31:16] Stephanie: Yeah. We look pushing boundaries just a little bit. . Just a little bit. Okay, so I'm gonna bring it back a little bit cuz you were married. What did being married teach you about relationships?

[00:31:30] James: Ooh, okay. What's it mean Mary, teach me about relationships.

So I, I'd say I learned what. , I learned, I learned the reality of what everyone was talking about when they talk about how important marriage is. Right? When the, because my marriage was, we were very much in love. I mean, we were super young. Um, but there was also this air of like obligation to our relationship, right?

Where, um, you know, came from a. Have like a Hindu upbringing and a, you know, Baptist Christian upbringing and then went to Catholic high school, right? And uh, and there was just this kind of like idea of like, Hey, you're, you guys are like living together and you guys are doing all these things. Like when's the next step?

And then, and so there was like this progression that relationships are supposed to take. And after a certain amount of time it's like, oh, well we're at that place. So, , let's do this thing. And then it's like, you can't just be engaged forever and ever. Like let's do the next thing. And like, we're not gonna break up anytime soon, right?

No, of course not. I love you forever. Okay. Yeah. So like, let's go get married. Um, but then on the other side of marriage, I did find that, um, through that process actually we went and saw, um, marriage counselors and stuff before we actually got married. And the reality of it is when you like take on my last.

It's because you're the family member. I get to choose. Right? All my other family members name, ship, I have no say in that, but you, you get to have my same last name. My family's going to accept you into them just as if you were part of it. Every brother, sister, and child you have will be an in-law of my family.

Um, you're married in for real. . That's like a, that's kind of a big thing, especially for me because my family's so tight knit and we're so, like, we take care of each other and we support one another and, and, uh, and like last name's tatted on my back. Right? Like, we're all like that. And, um, and so when I'm like, oh wait, I'm going to bestow the ship name upon you mm-hmm.

like, that's heavy. And, uh, so then on the outset, because our divorce was, was mainly that we were just too young and that. She wanted to go left and I wanted to go right. And I was just like, I can do bad all by myself. You know? And, and we kind of parted ways there, and we're still, we're still cool to this day, but now when I think about marriage, um, I definitely think about, I, I have the saying that I'll say to people and they ask, like, would you ever get married again?

I'm like, um, yeah. But when I do, it'll be a surprise to the both of us, right? Which is like, It won't be expected. There won't be some like buildup like, like all her friends are like, so when's he gonna ask the question? Like, it's not gonna be that. And my mom will have given up asking or something like that.

And one day we'll just be like, yeah, yeah, okay, cool, cool. For sure. All right. Boom. Fist bump. And then, you know, have a big wedding, a little wedding. It doesn't matter what it is, like the wedding doesn't actually matter, but the decision to make that type of choice, it will either go down like that or it will be like, Babe, you know, that we could save an extra 10% on our taxes annually.

If we were to do this in our five different businesses, we could combine it to this one trust and we can take over another planet or something. I'd be like, hell yeah, let's do it. We're getting married room, we're bringing the families together. Um, otherwise, yeah, I just, don wouldn't wanna be with a partner at that depth if marriage was like, , I gotta get married.

I don't give a fuck who it is. Like, nah. Okay. I'm good.

[00:35:09] Stephanie: Mm-hmm. . Okay. And then I have another hard question

[00:35:11] James: for you, but what about you? What is your question? What is your answer for that? Like your marriage take?

[00:35:18] Stephanie: Um, I think it, if, you know, if I were to get married, it would be for. , like legal reasons, like if it's legally beneficial for me to get married.

Like I know right now for women in a lot of states you don't have reproductive rights unless you have a husband or my father is gonna have to sign off on something for me, which is like crazy to me. So it's like if it really came down to it, I would get married to like, you know, get that done. Yeah. If I needed to.

Right. Um, or like, you know, if it was. Like business beneficial or something. But like, I think like the contract of marriage, like I don't need to get married to you to be like, oh, I love you and I'm committed to you. So that's like my point on it. I I definitely get that. Yeah. I used to think like Disney princess marriage, like I do wanna get engaged and I wanna have a wedding party, like I wanna have a fake wedding.

but I don't think I need to actually get married. . Really? I would love to have a fake wedding so that my parents are, and my, the rest of my family is like, oh yeah, she got

[00:36:20] James: married, got a celebration of love or something.

[00:36:23] Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. And then I can just be like, just kidding. We, it didn't work out, but like, I got married and we had a party and it was lit.

Right. Um, yeah. That's cool. Yeah. .

[00:36:33] James: Yeah. I, I mean, I, I could definitely see that I, I understand. , like, uh, I think about this because I do a lot of like consulting for these businesses and like in each of them, what it comes down to is like the contract, right? Mm-hmm. and, and doing what you say you're going to do.

And so in, I, I believe that when you talk about love in marriage, they actually are two different things, right? You just said, but very much so like in. , uh, in marriage, you're, you're kind of saying like, I will do these things. Boom. I bet like half my wealth on this bow. Um, and that is something that. It's kind of terrifying, right?

Like, like, um, my marriage contract will, will have to be way deeper than what the, the law even has any kind of say on Definitely get a prenup. Yeah. Be like, you will never suck his toes. Like that's gonna be in your . You suck my toe, it's over. Bang. I get everything. Yep, I got it all. I'm like, oh, we're out.

Let's go. Kids. Get in the car. .

[00:37:44] Stephanie: It's my house. My kids, we Audi . So then this is an interesting topic that I like to ask. Um, what's it like dating as a black man? Like what stereotypes you run into and like how does you know your ethnicity and your race like affect the way you date?

[00:38:04] James: Great questions. , um, So I have an interesting perspective on this because I came from Phoenix, Arizona, right where I grew when was where I lived until I was 20.

And so, um, in my dating years early, obviously I was married, but um, growing up it's like five to 10% black out there. And then the rest is just like white and Mexican. So, um, I was always someone's first. Boyfriend or first black friend or something like that. Right. So I kind of existed in that. And um, and I had also my parents, my mom and my dad are also are, were in their entire family lines, had been the only ones to step out of their race at the time in the eighties.

So, uh, them being married was like a big deal in both sides of my family. So my sister and I, we go like on one side and we're. , the black cousins and the other side were the light-skinned cousins. Right? Yeah. And so coming from that place, then applying it out here in LA where it's just like kind of way more a melting pot, I mean a segregated melting pot, right?

mm-hmm. . Um, I'm like, okay, there I fall into these groups, right? So, so the big issue that I think I run into, um, with my background. Like I'm married and I'm from Arizona and I'm like, you know, raised by women and like, so I just understand women at a little bit different level and I don't like the idea of like a fuck boy or being a fuck boy.

Right? But like, I'm fucking light-skinned. I can't help him. My mom's white . My dad's black. Black. Like I'm a light-skinned nier. I can't help it. That's just what it is. My hair would just be like this, you know? And uh, and I played basketball in college and. I'm tall, light skinned with a six pack and a and a model.

I'm a fuck boy. I'm a fuck boy. On paper. On paper. Hide your kids, hide your wife. You know what I mean? Like I'm a fuck boy. So that has probably been the biggest thing. Like again, I came out here married, so I didn't even have to deal. I came, remember I was like, oh, wow, LA is amazing. You know? And then, and then I was quickly in another, I was like serial monogamous for like five or six years after that.

by the time I hit 26, 27, by the time I hit your age, I'm like, Hey, what's up world? And everyone's like, mm-hmm. , you done fucked everybody. And I'm like, what? ? I felt like I felt like three girlfriends in the last 10 years. Uh, so that was, that's been my biggest, I'd say hurdle because then, you know, I'm constantly battling, like, uh, constantly battling.

Growing up in your twenties or whatever and figuring out what you want and all these things and getting the dating scene down so you do date. So like you're a man whore. I can tell cuz you've been on like five dates and now I just, they took these five chicks to dinner and I hate 'em all. Like, so you kind of cool, you know, it's, yeah.

It's very different out here and, and then, . So that's just being a light-skinned nigga in general. Mm-hmm. . But just being, but being black as well, it instantly kind of puts you in a weird situation sometimes I'll say even, especially since like Black Lives Matter and since all these social justice kind of spaces, um, there's kind of a, uh, it's kind of like an, almost like a call to everybody who's non-black.

Speak out to that thing or say something about it, or be a social justice warrior in some way or an ally. And I'm just like, you, you don't have to be an ally. You know, I, I was dating for quite some, some time during the, during the covid, uh, a, a black woman from France grew up in Australia, so she's like all over the world, right?

But, but not a black American. Doesn't know the struggle on all these things. And she was very, Fight the power, you know? And I'm going on protests, you know, and I'm just like, um, I'm alive today. That's my protest. Peace out. I ain't going on no damn march and getting pepper sprayed. I'm good. You know? And so she was like, so there was this like, you know, every relationship was gonna have its own little, um, differences.

And so I just, yeah, I can, I can.

[00:42:31] Stephanie: Well, thank you for your insights and thank you for answering my questions. It's been fun. I promise I will not try to lick your toes or put my fingers in any places on you without your consent.

I wish you the best of luck. Thank you so much, your endeavor. This has been fun. Yeah,

[00:42:51] James: this has been fun. questions. Thank you. Yes, thank you.

More Articles